what is patient? what is kind?

when it does not forgive, when it keeps record of wrongs... when it is impatient, when it does not understand, when it is easily angered....when it doubts and does not trust....when it does not hope and has no faith...when it fizzles out in a moment....and gives up...

when sorrys hold no meaning...when spite is delivered...where distrust and assumptions are rampant...

what is it...?what has it become?

what does it mean anymore?

is it still worth holding on to and living for?

what becomes of me....

that random vintage thing

so, a quick run up to subang and back in a day. me having to switch antibiotics after finding inflammation :(

when you don't have a grandma that showers you with affection and love (anymore) you will appreciate others more. SAYANG MY EEPOH! she kopek fish for me and cooked porridge cuz i can't eat the other food :) so sweet... lub lub lub...

and what else? my sister dug up these vintage glasses belonging to my dad... joy oh joy :)

decoy! i wish i looked that cute :P

there we go :)

(actually i couldn't upload it to facebook so i put it here)

still looking forward to tomorrow's eating and will kill a certain someone if it doesn't happen.

the follow up

technically, it's not really agonizing pain anymore, but that's only because i load up on the painkillers before hand. so right now if feel more like...lenguh...like... if yu put up yur hand for like a full 30 minutes, that aching, bored feeling in you arm? that's what my face feels like...lenguh.....

and what it looks like?

ta daaa! in all its swollen goodness! like Theodore! but only half... oh wells...

unfortunately for me, i have to go out, not being one to stay cooped up at home. :

Do unto others what you want them to do unto you:

right, i don't stare at people who are deformed, or odd or just off somewhere, but that won't stop people from staring at me...so... what to do miss punchbowl? suck it up like a MAN! heh...either way, that won't stop me from attempting to eat what i want. MONDAY BINGE, here i Come!

nightmare at the dentist 2 : the second extraction

I'm normally not afraid of things, but the anesthetic needle was painful. 2 jabs before anything happened, that should have been enough right? noooo....Dr. C came in, starts hacking away at my gums, and there you have it ... PAIN! The drilling hadn't even started yet.Fine, a couple more jabs, hoping it would last out, then it began. So, since i couldn't actually see or feel(properly, that is) what they were doing, i figured, logically, they'd have to cut away my gum tissue(s?) to get at that miserable, horizontal wisdom tooth. hacka hacka hacka hack! i guess now that was done, it was time to drill into the tooth in order to crack it into pieces, in order to truly extract it (tooth spoiler: it was in pieces)

probably looked something like this...FYI, not my mouth this one

Imagine this, you're lying there, quite helpless because any sudden movement may cause the drill to carry it out its calling somewhere it's not needed. the sucker tube thingy is busy sucking up blood and saliva. For now, anesthetic works...whoopiess! ( for now ) So, drilla drilla drilla. Seriously? You know the feeling when you put your head to the table top and tap the table somewhere else you can still hear it? Now, replace that with a drill in your mouth, vibrating through your skull, particularly loud in your ear for obvious reasons? nice? was ohkay i guess, up till the moment i could actually feel the pain. remember, they had already administered TWO shots... but what is this...paiinn? So, the protocol, hands up, please stop it hurts, and tadaaa more shots...repeat step 1-5 several times... It was to the point i dreaded the syringe more than the drill, because with the drill, there's a chance it wouldn't hurt. i was trying to take it like a man, macho like but, stupid girly feelings and reactions kick in and what do you get? a squirming girl whimpering in pain...*takes deep breath*

what i probably looked like trying to take it like man, just imagine a huger syringe, in your gums

fast-forward to a point where finally, the drilling is successful, so happens now is they need to... uhm.. "crack" it..to...smaller, extractable pieces. and crack it they did! Cracka, cracka, cracka. I could really see Dr. C using all his strength to twist the part of the tooth he wanted to "crack" out.i could feel my lower jay trying to resist,so not a pretty feeling. you cannot imagine the relief seeing Dr. C taking bits and pieces of tooth ( not teeth, only one mah) and the final, bloody(not a swear word) root that summed up the end of the horror movie i was starring in. stitches everything swiftly ended...too swift though...they tossed my tooth pieces into the trash before i could ask for them. A quick inquiry revealed i had four anesthetic shots, each shot "stabbed" in several different places in mah gum.

anyhoos,

With the ability to hold ones liquor comes the disability for normal dosages of painkillers to work. Celebrax, meant to last 24 hours is now a cocktail with two other different painkillers. This consumption will be the norm for the weeks to come. Half a swollen face will also be thrown in for FREE! Chipmunky, only able to eat soft foods...nice....but I've done it once, i WILL do it again.

AI VEEL SARHVAIVE...!

On a separate note, my heart goes out to Jui and family.So sorry for your loss. *hugs* Wish i could be there for you. :(

On a separate but quite related note, the pAINS!!!! :( needs lots of love :( sigh

Happy Unbirthday/ Early Birthday to me!!

so today i went for the almost ritualistic breakfast with moms and Aunty E... normally we would dim sum, but due to the heavy rain (and winds that toppled my momsies beautiful potted plants, smashed them ceramics to bits) we just went for brunch in Jusco.

I already went crazy at the Jusco Sale earlier in the week at the new branch, but neither that (nor a massive allergy reaction) didn't stop me from perusing the stocks in this branch. Somehow, in the plus-size area, we spotted this sweet looking long top and TA-DAAAA!!! my early birthday present from Aunty E. THANKS mommy#2!

so...a happy birthday to me :) a good morning... now i'm just dreading the aftermath of the second wisdom tooth extraction. pray that it won't be the sequel of Nightmare at the Dentist i had last year...sigh

kekwn baru

just got back from a movie and supper with some Melaka campus cf-ers... had funs funs and learned new new things... almost forgotten what it was like to make new friends...I've either been hanging out with the same crowd too long, or...just gotten too comfortable.... there's always time to make new friends and meet new people isn't there?at the same time...one must always keep old friends :)

* * *

on a different note:

i will not let the sun go down on my anger and upsets

i will chose to have a positive outlook on the situation

i will choose to forgive

i will choose to let live

i will choose not to crumble but stand firm

i might or might not give in

but i will do what is best for the situation

i will choose to fulfill my side of the deal as best as i can

i will choose to make things work

i will not wake up vengeful

i will wake up doing my best

i will

don't give up on me

retardation : at your own risk

a couple of youtube clips that fascinate me to no end for a reason i cannot comprehend:

18 and above please....

should be enough nonsense to fuel a lazy week....

fefifanny....

it was an overwhelming experience. just being in the car and breaking down. when problems crop up in our lives, it is a good thing if we choose to pray or seek prayer. but the question that pops up is, who can we turn to to pray for us?

Personally, i tend to think, 'oh, no i can't do this at all! me? pray for this situation? it's too big!' and then do the mental head hunt for the "perfect" prayer person ( person who prays) but then realize, that in order for that person to pray for me, i have to disclose details, which as much as i trust them, i might not be ready to open up, stuff liek tht.

This evening itself, it hit me so bad i came to the point that i realized, i can pray too! Never thought of myself as one that can make a difference or that my prayers would ever matter. all the wrong wrong mindsets! Wrong!

At the risk of sounding too preachy or fanatical (both of which i'm far from, unfortunately), God can use everyone, even scrawny old me! as just one person, it won't seem like much, but collectively, even one can help make the difference. For most of us, the theory has always been there, we know and are fully aware of the do's and don'ts. Practically, on the other hand, i have been at fault, i admit that i am hesitant to practice what i know because of low self-esteem and lack of faith.

If God brought me through one soap box,'only happens on TV' phase of my life, He can definitely bring us through another. Where people and other beliefs may fail us, i choose to believe that God has everything in Ctrl ( although i really wish we could Ctrl +alt+ Del that icky moment).

epiphany much? or just a reminder of reality?

the first cheesy one

it's only been how many hours... but the lubang is already there :( 4 months... i think i can do this... not sure :( sigh ...

external purpose

i have accepted my height deficiency as a "destiny". My purpose is to make short guys feel tall and forever keep their egos nice and inflated....

back with amendments ( i wanna be a hidden superhero)

camp was fun...wouldn't have been if i didn't do something to make it fun myself. Life can only be as fun as you allow and make it to be.it's been awhile since i actually looked forward to sessions in camp.I've realised I've personally come a long way from who i used to be. i still have parts of my temper, i still demand justice even when it doesn't involve me or when the outcome doesn't

even benefit me. i still get irked by bull crap. but, i guess i don't react as dramatically as i used to. over the years i have come up with personal "philosophies" to get myself by. 'the lesser attention i pay= the lesser i care.' there will always be situations that cause me to wonder why i would even care, but like it or not i do care. i particularly despise characters that are fond of habitual

lying with no guilt or conscience. how do you live with yourself?

anger still does flare up easily.but most times now, it is subdued by indifference to the end results. I'm not exactly who i used to be anymore, but there's still room for progress yes? but, is indifference really a good thing? or compared to overreacting it is kinda stable?which would you prefer? being the hand that stirs the spoon which in turn stirs the drink so that it mixes or cools down... or the liquid in the drink content at being as idle as possible as not to stir up "trouble"?

sometimes i feel so torn, part of me wants to be a peace maker/ justice avenger....the other part just wants to be an on-looker just like everyone else....seems like less trouble that way doesn't it?it all comes back down to balance in the end.are we able to so level our emotions and conscience so that our reactions are cool and clear-headed? :) to each his own tho...to each

his own

a Sound i like : Footsteps

one of things i love about the things i love :

the sound of footsteps

i like to think that the reason why people high-up in power, think CEOs and such, invest in good shoes, is because sometimes the shoes do maketh the man. i like to think that they like to hear the sound of their "powerful" footsteps verberating on the expensive marble stairs. The 'Click-Clack' of a woman's 4-inch high Laboutins, the well-composed 'clop-clop' of a man's handsome leather shoes. it makes it seem like they are "announcing" their status in every step, and who knows, maybe that's what gets them through everyday.

i like to hear footsteps on wooden floorboards or stairs. it gives me a warm, homely comforting feel. Not that my stairs at home were made of wood, no... but my grandmother's house did have wooden steps, they give the loveliest sound,albeit creepy when it's dark upstairs and you're on your own. i am comforted by the sound my simple heels 'tap-tapping' their way across car parks and tiled floors, i get to make believe they are just as gorgeous as the Aldo heels i so crave.

The Foley sound of running footsteps that you hear ever so often in the movies, be it an action-packed one with the heroine in a catsuit, or a mystery-thriller where the hero makes his way stealthily through corridors, or the "patter-patter" of children running to their mother at her beckoning. It gives me an inexplicable satisfaction. It's a strange comforting feeling.

Maybe it's because it evokes an imagination i had as a child, day dreams of classy Victorian homes in England where its occupants saunter around in their leather-patent Mary Jane's, or running up the marble steps of a glorious mansion in a gown. ah, the places a mind brings you to accompany the words on a page. and

that's another story altogether...

Just for kicks, ( and maybe the next post topic) the NEW me?

can you spot the differences?

That thing in my head

*

you re the monsters in my dream

making everything as it seems

you're the nightmare in my bed

taking dreams out of my head

you're the voice i kill to hear

you're the one thing that i fear

you're the arrows in my heart

you're the shooter with a spear

*

the one thing everyone hopes will disappear

you're the honest know-it-all

never a lie or story too tall

you're the lips I'd love to zip

with a single finger tip

you're that one thing that appears

what everyone tries to hide

Copyright of Neo Ann Na 2010

Please insert hair pulling frustration to understand

Sometimes, you make it so frustrating to talk to you. Sometimes, if not most, I lose my patience at your inability to connect things faster. Sometimes, i get frustrated when i expect you do be able to do things you aren't capable of. Sometimes, my heart aches because the whole situation has to happen. Sometimes i feel i should just try NOT to come up with discussions or simple conversations, just to avoid you being so confused with the tiniest and simplest of details.

Most times, i do get angry with you for not being able to get me. Most times i do get upset with myself for not being more patient with you.

But every time, i hate that the situation happens. Every time, I'm reminded that Love is Patient, it is kind, it should not be easily angered, it should not keep records of wrong doings, among the many other things that love is.

Most importantly, it ALWAYS perseveres and never fails.

I'm still trying, I'm still learning, I'm still practicing.

I also know, that i can't help but be stuck on you.... like a pentapus :)

Pentapi LUB!

Please insert EMOTION to continue

if you didn't have something important tomorrow, i would have made it an even bigger deal. it just hurts that you don't ... don't what? I'm not sure i can even describe it. i can't ever go out without you without having revenge exacted on me within hours. it's like every time i do have fun without you, I'm doomed to receive a horrible tomorrow.

thanks.

enjoy yourself tomorrow.

Day 2

Until I stop keeping track, I'll stop numbering the days :)

a continuation from the last post, smells are definitely a huge part of my life. not saying that I'm overtly sensitive and princess-like that i can't handle bad smells and like flowery smells only.nope nope nope.like they say, smells evoke memories. they remind you of things, whether you like it or not, when it was a good memory....or not...if you had to identify yourself with a scent,what would it be?every since I first discovered Vanilla Musk,from Avon, thanks to my Mom, I'm addicted to anything Vanilla.Not the cheap faded off smell or the flavour though.

almost all the scents I've had has at least a slight tinge of Vanilla or has a vanilla base. Why? I don't quite know. Vanilla always had this versatile quality about it. It's not too playful for formal events and not the serious for a casual day. It's an in-between scent, adapting to the moment, making you think of fresh baked cookies with vanilla essence, and yet of comfortable comfy cushions and pillows. It reminds me of smooth sheets and fluffy pillows.

I like smelling things that remind me of eating, like the scent of hot chocolate, the aroma of baking cookies, warm potatoes in their jackets, hot caramel pop corn, buttered corn, butterscotch bread.....all things lovely to me. Smells govern most days of mine, like I can't leave the house or go anywhere without a spritz or at least not without my regular lotion. I'm not so much as concerned of what people smell, but what i smell of myself (philosophical much? heh) Hygiene is a new issue altogether so we won't go there.

But what of negative scents? like the smell of trash? the smell of death? oddly though, i feel the smell of decay is somehow, cloyingly sweet. not the sweetness of flowers and puppies sweet, but like....an over-powering uncomfortable sweetness that chokes yet mysteriously draws me in a cold invisible grasp and refuses to let go. it doesn't make me retch or will nauseous, but it's a terrifying realization of how nature moves on without you.

I'm creeping myself out with just the talk of smells....

Round II

It's only been one day, but might as well get the hang of the basics now.

If you had to round things off, what would your favourite non-materialistic, things in life be?

So far, I've come up with :

-words

-music

-fashion

-thoughts

-smells

Maybe it's a lil' bit of a cheat, because one can argue that words and thoughts are in the same category. My reasoning would be, two people can have the same thoughts, and thinking is a good thing, but how one expresses those thoughts in words becomes another ball game altogether.

i love word plays, how metaphors and symbolism in words express simple things. i know it maybe a stretch-my-arm-around-my-head-this-is-my-nose kind of thing, but the fact that the mind is able to conjure up visuals like that is simply amazing.

jason mraz, is truly Mr. A-Z if you take his songs apart. If you didn't already know, he HAS many more songs, not just 'I'm Yours'.

I guess this is also where music comes in. The lyrical potpurri is accented by the elaboration of instruments and voices.

this is gettin abit long, i may or may not edit this to elborate further. heh.

Press ENTER to begin

Is it wise to have new beginnings while still in anger? Or is it an even wiser way of channelling dissatisfaction? IMHO, if you do not begin things out of spite, you will not do damage (nothing unintentional that is)

what are new beginnings to you? a reason for evading reality? being in denial for reasons you can't disclose? or a hoping in something you lost faith in?

cliche but true, the start of something new