pit pot pat

so sorry all the rants came at the same time.it's just been too much really.i don't understand why friendship has to be so difficult...why do i hv to make it so hard.

why does it even matter?why can't i let it go the way everyone else does? why do i have to care about the things and the people that the others don't care about...

why do i have to be so sharp? just because i get it all the time doesn't seem to work as a reason. i'm not you and you're not me.what i can stand and expect and receive may not be what you're cut out for.

how much more sorry can i be. i don't know how else to show it.it's like self inflicting pain you cannot comprehend when the frustration kicks in.

but i am. i truly am.

fall...

i don't want to cry over what i cannot understand

i don't want to cry over what i cannot control

i don't my tears to fall for people who don't care

i don't know how to stop it

do i need to shed tears for the confusion?

do i need to ache because i am lost?

does it need to be so difficult?

emotions need to be leashed.

that haze

you make my heart heavy

with your low

why it matters

i just don't know

you can't feel the anxiety rushing

fleeting through my veins

you can't tell

you won't

you don't have to

between a raging fire and a bed of nails

between throw pillows and sugar coated pills

i'm all over the place.

i'm where i should be

and where i shouldn't

i do what i didn't have to

i didn't do what they do

i don't have to

but i do

why do i?

the urge....

i dare not look at you, touch you, or even think about you.... for if i do, i will want more...and will not stop wanting more....

your comfort ... you, soft against my skin....it wasn't long ago but the memories of you on my skin lingers on my mind....

you're safe where you are for now..... when the time comes, i'll put yu where you belong....

His timing...

when i first found out about the gig, i really wanted to go, but i couldn't explain the unfounded reluctance i felt to purchase the tickets.was it money? no. transport? no. friends? no. i had no idea why. up til the day kor called me, i just couldn't find a reason not to go yet i felt i wasn't supposed to go, or smtg to that effect.

Friday morning the news hit. with every celebration comes a moment of grief. and as the course of the day played out, it was obvious i wouldn't be able to make it to the wake on Friday night. which meant i could only go for Saturday. and then everything started to tumble into place. how could i have known? :( emotionally split between being happy for my bro and the success of the event, and the loss of someone. i guess He knew better :|

so, i'm sorry i couldn't make it to the gig, but there were more urgent things at hand i guess. and the decision to not be able to go wasn't thattttt unfounded as i thought :(

and again today,after everything i was feeling bummed i couldn't hang out anywhere due to circumstances ,eg: transport, situation etc. plus i was tired out from the heat. but, had i gone somewhere and not have been in my car, i would have missed Underheadlights on Hitz Campur Chart. impeccable timing indeed. that definitely brightened and woke me up a bit. i was absolutely excited and slightly pissed because he didn't tell me! but back to the point. everything just happened to tumble into place in the past days.

sometimes, we don't have to question why and mope, sometimes we should just take it all in stride and wait for the bigger picture to reveal itself....

but on a more regretful note, today, in church, a question posed was "do you have regrets?" "wouldn't you like to have a life without regrets?"

many things i do regret, but most recent and irreversible, was not getting to know Edmund better. Why didn't i? was i lazy? was i shy? i merely watched him from afar, mentally complimenting his dedication, his shoes, his style, his shirt.... so many little things i admired but never got around to telling him. And the cliche part will be the knowledge that we always take things and people for granted. always assuming there will be tomorrow, or next week , or next month.things we mean, good things, compliments, praise, acknowledgments... why do we keep them to ourselves? what good will it do us if it's meant for someone else?so what if it's something small? it was still something that impacted yu and left an imprint in one way or another. you will never know how much of a splash a small pebble can make...

and now, he's not physically here anymore. i feel like the dog in the haystack, hogging the mental words that i don't need for myself. i feel now it's more my loss now. i probably had so much to learn about him and from him that i robbed myself of... my loss indeed...

reinforcement of the day : never hold back good things from those who deserve it. you'll regret keeping that jar of peanuts yu're allergic to and never finding out how happy you could make others when you share it.

8 am baby

im tired but addicted... not a good combo...

today i like...

so today, i woke up feeling pretty, even tho i have a constellation of monthly pimples decorating my face, even though my emotions are tumbling back and forth like a the ball bearings in liquid paper that's being shaken, even i find it difficult to trust and say what i mean....with no make up, i like my nose, i like my eyes, i like my lips, i like my cheekbones... today i like my face...

and i think i drank too much water...dizzy dizzy tizzy :(

it bothers

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?

why does it bother me so... i don't get it... i don't get it at all...

what do i really want?

is it really that different?

why...

mama was right....

when things first started, my mother asked me if there was going on..and on paper there wasn't. then she said something that made my heart drop a little. She told me that she would be ohkay with him, but i needed to be prepared if nothing happened. i just laughed it off, insisting we were just friends, but then deep down, i didn't want to believe she would be right. even i didn't want to believe that i was right in saying we were just friends.

but there you have it, mom said it, and as you would have it, she was right.so, i guess it was a good move to never refute what mama says, or i'd have to eat my own words....

you can't miss what you never wanted, you can't lose what you never had....

a word to me and to you...in that order

a good song #2

a good interpretation or expression of a song has the power to drive one to tears with its sincerity

question...

you intrigue me and i cannot fathom why.

a good song

a good song is one that drowns you in a moment so good that you never want to get out of it, and you feel dread when it ends

eminemish mode (please forgive if fails...and SHhhhh)

it's like the things you do

they drive me nuts

you say "i'm protecting you"

but you don't trust

the way i'm telling you

yeah i'm fine on my own

now leave me alone

i'mma hide my own bones

and whatever i do

has nuts to do with you

yea you say " i care"

but you obsess

like you think the whole world is

only yours to possess

you say it like i belong to you

like a puppet on voodoo

everything you say i do

no chance to think for myself

i'm up on the high shelf

can't think, can't talk

whenever you say, i'll walk

i'm barely human, not anymore

this is how'd you like to see me

sprawled all over the floor

i'm breaking down

my tears don't make a sound

what i say don't mean a thing

and my lips are merely whispering

yes i loved you, my heart was yours

but you could never ever see pass all the flaws

the scars , the bleeding, you're insecure

you think my mistakes are gonna make a round 4

your meddling bells go off in your head

you never think, you never cared

you just wanted what you thought you never had

but all you needed had given till she was dead

there's really nothing left , in reality

but somehow , you're still what i wanna see

somehow still with you i wanna be

it's like i'm stupid, and my brains on the freeze

it's like my heart is disconnected

what common sense?

what wrong? oh heck it

no logic bends, no conscience beckons

it's like a hearts on a slip-and-slide

it's like i'm just waiting for it to fry

what's in it for me?

real love?a fantasy?

you wanted the world i put it in your hand

but in the end it was just a freaking test

you made my heart an ugly mess

you pushed the limits

pressed the buttons

and then you left

just a test drive car

that you drove so far

that you spun all the way

then simply returned the key

cuz the colour wasn't the shade you that you wanted

you had your run and now you decide that you don't want it

and you're like,"here have it back, i don't like it anymore, it's not good enough for me, i think i deserve more"

more to push around

more to push down

more to step on

more to control

more to say "no no, you can't go just because i said so"

like a momma, just with drama but you won't let go

ASHDFbg

:: men or more like, males, are such dramatic emotional creatures....amazing how far the male species has evolved..

::sometimes my life truly is Drama 101...currently in season 5::

in case i forget

ah ge dais, blueberry, look at my phone...i mean watch... don't paiseh...how cans...

hurms....

megan fox is the hots in the the Rihanna and Eminem collab.... awesome hots....

and i was like wha..?

so...the other day in class i was feeling really sleepy. i was scouting for a suitable place to nap and just when i found it.... i was awaken slightly by my classmate saying ," i have NO BALLS!" complete with cupping gestures...

everything order nothing in but

so stuff that has happened : let's work backwards:

- new hair,shorter,coloured ,significance? first time dying :P never did anything bigger than highlighting....and its shorter....quite welcoming healthier hair. Thanks Rebekah :D

- there are benefits to constantly staying online on Fb...why? refer to the above

-D. Foo has once again failed to belanja me McD, even though he owed me and i was dying of hunger and fulfilled his wish to be trasnported there

- managed to redownload Missy Higgins, Joshua Radin, Regina Spektor and Maps thanks to cravings and finding people who appreciate them too

-Involved in a 15-hour dance marathon...and we made it into the Malaysian Book of records. :) dance-chge-run-runback-change-dance ...wash rinse repeat

-fear, apprehension, reconciliation... taking the first step... doing the right thing... well at least attempting la.

-awesome shrooms....fried and spiced D: *droolicious*

-missing the grads :( missed the Melakans...big oops for me...

-von von got me Octupai...so now Octina has a FREN! who is the same colour as MEOW! yay!

-was excited for his arrival, and depressed for his leave... confused in his aftermath. still thinking and taking things slow.

-PorkBurgeru! NINJA NINJA JOE!!

-jammingz which i failz....but loved the company :) and ze sing-k :)

-managed to watch Jangan Pandang Belakang....during which water fountaining and kitchen flooding occurred,leading to mass moping and drying...

-managed to Phobia 2... couldnt help but take in the beautiful imagery, the lighting, the angles, the treatment....breathtaking.... Thanks kimYEW! and nice meeting new people :)

-melaka : usual rifts where you can just nvr win... butter chicken and spenis...

-bumper falling off halfway hope...genius i know...

-yellowcab awesomeness, lookout point gilaness.... realising victor and stephen and so clonelikely cute, deric stomping up a burp...

-proud mom of a harddisk....finalllyyyy...

-berbatiks.... lotsa fun fun fun....

- good friends at first with ugly endings and threads left hanging...some people can't man up and tell the truth...

- can't sleep well anymore,can hardly nap :( jolted awake most of the time :(

-thanks to stephgoh... i meltz...meltziesssss

-of bades and dubes

-of inspesi and names... Salt and reviews and hectic jams... despicable me rush...saucers and panties tesla secrets

-odd cows and cow songs

-Half Life 2 Ost Nostalgia

- my hometownmyhometownOHiforgotYOngTAUFU- deliberate8pieces+2 leeched and cheeeken+raice

-felt pretty now and then....constant self esteem boost no matter what happens.

-metric on radio-squealy squeal squeal! 65%stranger to menjadi ah mat...but tankiu! since i su smart no purse

-of good old nyonya food...how to let goooo hoowwwww

-catholic death anniversary + awesome food

-3 movies in a day mmmmmm.......eye-burn

...that's about all i can recollect for now...