facing the music

i literally wasn't able to face the music due the implications and strings tied to it. today i will face it.

whitley is awesome....

attack

so i woke up with scratches... wonder how that came about... oh ! Oh! i have two little bites, tiny vampirish bites too....sigh

i moved

so i was standing in my new room... no more private bathroom, i was sharing the one downstairs with a couple of the girls in the house. my room seemed pretty neat...odd but true.

My bathroom was odd, longish, had to go through a small aisle cluttered with mops and pails before i reached the shower. All the while i was thinking to myself, why did i move? why didn't i check out the bathroom before i agreed to this? how is anyone gonna use the bathroom knowing they had to fight mops?

walking around the rather spacious hall i bumped into the other house mates. Typical cutecute Chinese ed girls. again i wondered why did i even agree to move out of cyberia.

i felt frustrated, not happy at all. Sitting down in my wooden chair at my desk i suddenly panicked. OH NO! what about the contract? did i let my previous land lord know? was the contract still on? did i breach it? i was plenty worked up, to the verge of calling my mom, at the risk of being sounded for making a decision i was not happy with myself.

then i realised that this couldn't be. So i woke up

the things i do

I was waiting outside your door, juggling as best as i can, doing all that in the vain hope that you will notice me and commend me for my effort. You always wished i could juggle. everyone who passed by stopped to clap and praise me but you didn't think i was good enough. You only glanced out your window past the curtains and never had a thought to invite me in.

Even in my dreams, I'm still your clown...

odd thought #345542

i have jinxed undergarments.now what are the odds of that?

oddly remembered...

My town was a little town near the sea, with only a neighbouring town up the hill,a 30 minute drive up. Many people i knew lived there, many people in real life. It was a quaint yet modern town, but not small enough, so you would meet someone new every month or two.

It seemed to be a norm, this gathering and parties in our spacious but dimly-lit town hall. Everyone would be there, and the town would be empty. That night was no different. Everyone was in that dark, blue-tinged hall. The waves crashed behind us as it always has. Each crash was a simple notification that everything was working,,clockwork-ok. But not that night. It crashed, then there was a deafening silence that slowly worked its way around the hall, muting chatter and raising question marks. i remember the feeling of sudden realization, relating it to a pre-tsunami situation where the waters get sucked into the the crevice in the ocean floor caused by an earthquake. that ugly silence. True enough, a warning came in saying a tsunami was going to hit and we had 30 minutes to get out of town to the nearest town on a hill.

Oddly, everyone seemed rather calm as they exited the hall, strolling out, chatting amongst themselves. i bumped into CherryE. who introduced me to her beau, a fair, pasty, fragile looking boy with delicate features.i somehow had the impression then that somehow her unity with him was something quite shameful of which she was proud off,unfortunately. She mentioned his name but i never quite got it. I mentioned that he reminded me of tofu, and that riled his emotions quite a bit and i was engaged to hear the soft and gentle albeit feminine speech but never did quite absorbed what he was saying to defend himself. i grew tired of him and excused myself for i had more important things to tend to.

I walked home, and spotted a couple of family friends who stated that they weren't going to pack or leave. They never did say why. Reaching home, my bags were quite packed,some small mattresses, and i felt i needed to pack photographs. i couldn't decide at first, there were so many. i finally settled on a single family take and a portrait of myself that i don't have in real life.My family and ShengL., who was with us for some reason piled into my dad's Mpv, mattresses and all. Somehow, we were all quite calm,and yet we understood that time was running out.

As we drove up the hill, the waves started crashing,somehow layer by layer, barely meters away behind us as we went. We looked back in silence and a still anger. We reached the top, right in the backyard of a media/newspaper office. Just as we got over the edge onto flat ground the waves stopped right behind us, leveling what was once atop a hill to a sudden seaside location. We grimaced as we got out of the car, taking in the blue sea that had just swallowed my town. I had no words for the waters that seemed like cut-out paper waves.

We hurried into the office through its back entrance. My dad had already hurried to the chief editor's office demanding why none of this was found out earlier. The discussion went on while i waited for my mom outside the ladies and handed her a Styrofoam cup of Boh tea. I had one myself. i looked around at my cousin and siblings and wondered in silence.

i woke up, trying to understand the meaning of it all.

FAMILY DAY

So today was kinda a family day for me, stayed over night with family at aunt's place in Sbg the night before, and morning my bro dropped by before work. Then, it was IKEA time! I got my gravad lax (woot! Raw salmon yo!) , and my early birthday present #2- a goldfish bowl type lamp!!! *lublublubs so march* (pics will be up if i un-lazify myself) My mom said she wanted to give it to me just to light up my life abit :) *lubs momsies su march!*

Then at night (more like 5 onwards), was spent with my bro. His milk company had a company family day, and since his girlfriend's not around, i became family stand-in :P Wowee.... so many new faces *shyshys* So it was dinner in the GSC area in Tropicana Mall and Karate Kid after.

Honestly, i've never been to TM save for that one new year's day last minute fireworks viewing with Kev, Mattmatt and MummyJemJem. So it was like a jakun experience for me :P and i found an awesome awesome, delicious, heart pumping,sexy, awesome awesome book store there~!!! All the designing books to your heart's content without the clutter of unappreciative humans, especially unruly children who cannot comprehend the beauty of books. i was so afraid to touch anything,for fear that i might want everything(which i did touch and did want but had lotsa self-control) and i managed to buy the Advertising Design book i was supposed to buy for AD!(formerly known ad MI)

ahhhhhH~~~~~~~~~~~

imma definitely go back there soon! beats heading all the way to noisy KLCC for children-overrun kinokunya.

(gah! can't stop thinking about it!)

Anyway, moving on, Karate Kid ain't no kid movie. It's really violent! ( i had kinda wired my brain to think 'FAMILY-FRIENDLY') bleh! but that aside it was pretty funny :D (i laughed more in A-team though) What more, i got feedback from my bro and KYeo that the girl (which girl? there's only one, don't worry ) reminds them of Laura :P

(huge downside to the day, ninja joe was closed for the night when we finally got there *heartbroken over porku burgeru*)

My bro's really funneh tooo~ Why?

-Train scene in movie:

ME: HEY, where is this place???? It's really nice!

Bro : Hogwarts... (mind you the movie took place in China)

so...AHahahahahaa......

Had a good talk with bro during the journey too :) Reaffirmation with a healthy balance of self confidence is a recipe for high self esteem :)

As much as sometimes you feel like a good-for-nothing , as long as you know your strong points, and optimize them, you have no reason to be any less confident than the hot hot girl/guy next to you :)

(but don''t be so muka tembok and think you're THHHHAAAAAAAAT perfect la!PERASAN!!!!:p)

Personally, while i feel a pretty face is a plus point (a minus for me tho :C), i, personally la k, personally, feel that if a girl has personality, she shouldn't have to try so hard. it's painful to see girls that are cute (not everybody is gorgeous la, i should know), good at what they do, slim (something else I'm not*sigh*) , and have a standard command of language throw themselves at guys... so many of them do that and i truly believe they don't have to. *sigh*

anyway enough hoo-haa for the night. More to come tomorrow and beyond :)

Light up like a light bulb yo!

j00 iz hooman? naish...

I was mentioning to a friend that right now i felt my emotions were like grass travelling through the four stomachs of a cow. One stomach is aching and hurting and mourning, another is trying to get by, another is making the best out of the situation and the last is trying to move on. And i feel this isn't just applicable for relationship issues,it could be anything from dealing with loss, failure etc....

I'm travelling in between mourning and trying to move on,while one can't deny the pangs of disappointment and regret at the same time,I am grateful for the people around me and therefore trying to make the best out of my situation. Trying to appreciate the joy and laughter around me and trying to pick myself up from the ashes :) (think pretty phoenix woo woo!)

There's still some indignation within me that wants to fight for the truth, but there's the majority of common sense and logic telling me to suck it up like a man and let him think what he wants, why argue if it will only hurt the other party more? that's definitely not what i want . i don't want to hurt anyone, it's unthinkable to do that to a loved one. so let it go, Annna, let it go...

*takes deep breath*

Have you ever followed a certain invisible prodding to do things without knowing why?

Today i experienced it in the simplest way of clicking on a name that popped up in ym, and that lead to a comforting knowledge that i am truly not alone in my situation, as painful and alone as i may feel. It reminds me of the people i have failed to bond with due to my lack of wisdom in dealing in my situation. It was very refreshing seeing things in an entirely different perspective, balancing both the negative and positive scale. The conversation was an awesome picker-upper, and i was greatly encouraged by such a humble, matured and honest point of view. in a worldly situation, the mentality would have been to wallow in it while cursing the other half, so it was great to know that there are people who have and can handle it with maturity and humble good nature (forgive me for repetition of words, there is no other way to describe how it is) it also reminded me how difficult it is to come by genuine people, and how i should appreciate those who have truly been there for me, no matter what judgment has been made against them. As i shamelessly copied of Caryn's FB status :

"it takes zero talent to see the faults of others, but takes more to see the best in others"

It truly is easier to see the negative in situations and people alike,(i admit that,guilty guilty me ) and no matter what people may say or think, i also truly believe that there is good in everyone, and i try my best to acknowledge and encourage the best in others, while reacting to the more negative bound with more discretion and wisdom but as it deserves.This is no easy feat, i promise you. Now, I'm not saying one should blindly assume everyone is an angel. One should always have the discernment to know which is genuinely positive and what isn't as well as the wisdom and ability to separate the two and treat as is best for both sides ( also the in betweens). somehow, I'm not sure about you, but it is quite discouraging to be put down for acknowledging one good thing about someone who isn't at the top of every ones favourite list.

Everyday i pray that i will have the wisdom to deal with my situation and circumstances, with the hope that something good will somehow come from all this pain, be it for either party. I believe that if you truly care about someone, you would want only the best for them, even if the painful truth is that you are not part of the best for them. There will always be the struggle to let go. I only wish you what you deserve and what's best for you.

instead....

Woke up feeling crappy and tired out, D Foo suggested i blog out my crappy feelings to make myself feel better, but i don't think that's a good idea. So i think i'm going to talk about one thing that makes me happy :)

::BOOKS::

I love books! i love the way it smells, the sound it makes, the feel of a nice leather bound in your hand.

Blame it on TV and Foley sounds, but i'm sure you would recall detective movies where they are going through files, flipping paper and there's this sound it makes, a crisp flip from the corner of the page, revealing another behind it as more shuffling of paper can be heard off screen. I know now, that those sound probably couldn't be picked up directly by the mics and cameras on set, but.... the fact they put in minor details like this.... *sighs contentedly*

Growing up i used i shuffle papers and flip pages of Enid Blyton and text books and pretend to be Belle, reading in the library the Beast gave her. Yes, even with my form 3 Sejarah textbook. I love the sound and the feel of flipping a page, the slightly muffled drag across the page, the crisp creaking, it's just all so.... delicious... yes, it's a delicious sound, the kind that opens up a "hunger" cavity for more.

just to touch and turn those pages...

My grandmother's house has a creaky old-fashioned cupboard (another imagination inducing object) filled with grammar and poetry books from olden day vernacular for English. i loved those books! (although, honestly speaking, those hard cover solid books would have been a pain to lug to school every single day) I took some home, although i don't quite have the time to read them completely, just running my hands down its spine, opening it up to read random poems quite satiates me.

booksieeess!!! my precioussss........

Now enough about the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts. and you can't judge a book by it's cover (yada yada yada). I love reading, it's like the best friend you always get into trouble with, heaven knows how many times i've gotten into trouble at school for reading. My headmistress knew who i am thanks to this. i was sat right in front of my teachers so she could watch and monitor me so i won't read in class, and especially while the lesson was going on. i was known among teachers for being the girl with my nose in a book even while i was walking.( a lil rude i admit but i do lower the book when i greet them :(, oh well) I would borrow a couple of books in the morning ( two was the maximum unfortunately) return them at recess, borrow two more and finish them before school was out. and at home, i would be reading everything :( yea..i'm the kid whose mom requested i stop reading for a bit...

i haven't quite gotten to the smell of paper... there's just something homely about musty old books, not those yellow paperback ones though...those leave a weird smell on my fingers. i like old leather bound tomes and have a weakness for hardcovers, those solid ones with smooth, firm paper...

if i ever get rich enough, i want my own Belle's Library

( it would be Annna's Library then wouldn't it? )

i imagine it to be like this:

sexy bookshelf, i imagine myself flouncing around in a dress reading

or this...

a more chic version :)

i guess i covered sounds n smells i liek in this one... i guess i feel happier.... i wish i could get paid to read ...it would be awesome...sigh

*keeps on dreaming*

nitpick

one woman who has successfully overcome depression put it: "You need to acknowledge your tears and your sadness and see them as a valid reaction to things that are going on in your life .. I don't necessarily feel better in that the feelings that led me to cry have gone. I think it allows you to move on in some sense during the day you have a cry ... and I think that crying is probably really good for you because it means that you're forced to be in the moment and confront your feelings".

confronting ones feelings eh? makes a lot of sense now don't it?

somehow find that you and i collide

a friend once reminded me....that even the best fall down sometimes....

maybe it's time to let go....

there were good times, and i am glad we had a friendship...

but now...everything hurts and it feels unhealthy...

i wanted to get back to being confident...and the fun person i remembered i used to be... i lost her twice, i don't want to lose her again.

it's difficult when you finally find the ability to trust again, and just when you put your heart back out, they knock it to the ground...and all your efforts were just...good...like....being able to recite the alphabet good.

another friend reminded me to count my blessings...and stop condemning myself.

another once reminded me that sometimes you just have to suck it up and let the other side think whatever they want even when they are wrong....

it's a cliche moment where sorrys will never be enough

Constantly as the stars above (on a clear night)

i logged on to just type a quick quote about something, because Mel reminded me that

" according to some pro bloggers the key is consistency".

But now I'm here, so many thoughts flood into my mind. What was meant to be a quick meet up with an old friend, turned into a wake visit for a friend's father. And a painful update that an awesome tuition teacher for maths i had had just past away about a week ago. if only i knew... the many if onlys... if only i had been vigilant in visiting him during Chinese New Years like i used to... if only....

Everyone is dying... just at different paces...

Every time i get a little worked up over how quiet my 21st birthday was, I'm reminded that June wasn't a happy month last year. the fact i even had people who celebrated with me leaves me grateful , utterly grateful. Come mid- June it'll be a year... Uncle Dr. K...i will miss you... i remember crying when i got the news, despite at that point of time i was in the horrid-est and and stupidest points of my life. My heart was wrenched in pain when i couldn't make it for the funeral. i can't think or talk about it without getting worked up and emotional.who is gonna call me 'mak nenek' and pinch my cheeks now? The good you've done, i can only hope to be half the person you were. In your wake, you left many grateful yet sorrowed hearts.

At one point of my life, i attended so many funerals, i was numb. To the point, i couldn't feel anymore pain, or sense of loss at the funeral of a relative. I made up for my lack of emotion by keeping myself busy serving the people who came for the wake. I've been "exposed", for the lack of more descriptive words, to death since i was really young, enough to have had understood it as a part of life even back then. Thinking back, it was either i knew too many people, or i just knew too many dying-faster-than-most people. After attending about four funerals in the short span of two weeks, i started noticing patterns. There seemed to be a "spree" of deaths at times, and I'm not sure if it is something experienced by most , but this is what it looks like to me. sometimes, it scares me. will i go in one of these "sprees"? will i be one of the several wakes one has to attend in the span of a couple of weeks?

The Bible did mention the angel of death, and this could be how he worked. but that's just my opinion, not the law.

Death is nothing to be feared. Lack of living is.

what's your blind side?

So, it's really late and all, but I have finally watched 'The Blind Side', starring the Academy Award Winner, Sandra Bullock. Now, I'm not one for mushy movies and those inspirational stuff doesn't affect me very much. Watching this though, i thoroughly understand why the award went to Sandra...

How identical it is to the true story, i cannot ascertain, but movie-wise, it's definitely a rare, rich-storyline movie that I would really encourage parents to watch with their children (if they have not done that already). It's not just another Christian movie, fake and unachievable. It's very much doable. Parts that affected me in particular include her taking him in because she can and how her children reacted to the change in their family.

My mom personally has always been one to lend a helping hand whenever possible, always with the extra pillow, the extra blanket, just-in-case-not-enough food and drinks. Somehow, this has also rubbed off on me. (explains why i always have extra of everything)

It was quite annoying to know that Sandra Bullock's character, Leigh-Anne's "Christian" lady friends were mildly mocking her for her "project for the projects". How many times have we been in situations like this one, be it on either side?

How many times have you wanted to give a helping hand( to those to really need it, mind you, not LOA people:P) just because you can and didn't , because someone said it wasn't your business, why should you care? worse, how many times have you said that to someone else?

If it doesn't hurt you, why not?

The other part is the way Leigh-Anne's children handled people. SJ, albeit precocious, made friends with everyone, and was utterly patient , especially when explaining the game of football (or rugby to us). I might have exploded. He's proud to acknowledge his brother from another mother. His sister Collins knew better than to succumb to peer pressure...

Seriously though, none of this is something new. It's just been boxed into "Disney-esque" categories, making it all unreal and fake. We all know what we should do, but we just don't.

Why are good things so difficult to do? i have to admit i struggle as well, with all the crappy two-faced attention seekers take advantage of good people. sigh... we should just hope we are able to discern truly needy people from the pathetic ones...shouldn't we?

Of the rant, i personally loved Sandra's depiction of the suburban mom with a witty knack for getting her way and cracking wry comments. :)

finally getting astro...

i do it, then i complain about the dark circles and puffy eyes....*exhales slowly*

i should man up and stop being so emotional over my short-comings. imperfections are illusions, no matter how much you love yourself for who you are, you are always pushed to do better,way way beyond your limits just to make it work. so...I'll try even harder....

on a brighter note, breakfast with the moms was awesome. sushi for breakfast is always awesome (fine, it's brunch la k?) awesomes is the tako and the salmon and and.....CHAWAMUSHI! *nomness*

it was also quite, quite fun catching Owl City's Dental Care on the mall's speakers :)

on a slighter brighter note, I'm (not really, more like my house) finally getting astro! but i will not be home often to enjoy is so boo hoo to that :(

on a personal note, i have wondered about many things concerning blogging since i started, like will it matter if anyone reads it? will if offend the few who do? and stuff like that. but now i realise, that it's more for me. a reminder of things i so easily take for granted and forget to feel thankful for... this way i remember small daily events that truly make my day and phases of my life that helps me up my experience level. so, if it never hits a kennysia high, I'm cool with it :) ha ha. priorities, priorities, priorities :) (even when you're down low on someone else's list)