Sadness

It's somehow amazing (not in a good way) that someone can forget everything you've done for them... over something they imagined up.... and dispose of a friendship just like that *snap fingers* 

The times when i dropped everything i was doing just to go to them, even when my friends tried to stop me, ie : keeping my phone if i decide to help them... and i did walk away with every intention to leave my phone behind.

The times i'd drive all the way to wherever you need to be because my car was bigger than yours, helping you carry something another guy was meant to do. Driving all the way into anywhere because you needed to get something and you were tired. Driving home alone while sick and tired and sleepy after dropping you off. While you cater to the safety of someone else like they were the last princes on earth. 

I know you've done some pretty nice things for me, but now, after knowing your intentions all this while... i'd rather yu didn't. I called off plans just for you because you asked me to, but you would rather go watch a cheap movie when our friendship was on the line. 

I believed you every time you said you were sorry.

every single time.

And I would never ever use someone for personal gain. I hate doing that. Total pantang. Just because it's something you have been doing all your life.... you cannot assume someone else would do it to you. yes, it's bound to happen, but i'm the last person that will do it to you. I'd rather not ask you unless under dire circumstances. i really hate to see things go down this road, and i'm sorry if i hurt you at any point. 

It pains me.so much. that you didn't listen, didn't read, didn't ask before plunging into your own imagination and assumption of something without clarifying. Crap happens when you don't pay attention to people. I'm sorry you misunderstood. I'm sorry you didn't take the time to clarify things before taking action. It's not my fault if you were rash. It doesn't give you a place to call me names or accuse me of using you. People discuss plans and sometimes plans don't work out. I've arranged stuff and cancelled them because of circumstances. In no way was i using anyone for anything. I've been cancelled on before, many times... i don't pit my friendship into the equations. If they can deal with what they are and what they do, it's their battle to fight, not mine.

I wish you would have just listened. When i speak, when i answer, when i respond. Things might not have been as frustrating.

And....dragging in the past and people with whom my chapters have shut on, what kind of person does that make you?

Friends, real ones, do not hold information against someone else to use it to bring someone they call their friends down. In this case, i guess it's more logical if you're doing it to bring an enemy down.  But there are bigger things in life than bringing someone down, like pick yourself up and climbing higher. I ache inside, knowing the friendship was built on lies and empty promises. I'm grieving, that it ended over an assumption and rash action. I know you don't care how i feel, but i do feel hurt you don't listen. I feel hurt that my opinion doesn't matter to you, which is why you don't take the time to clarify and take the initiative to know i feel or tell me what you're doing. 

You've been so used to making me do whatever you want me to do that the one time i say no/not sure you say i'm using you. Have you ever thought of the many times you turned me down when i needed you the most. When i had no one else, only you and you turned me down, time and time again for menial things...like your tv series, lazy to walk etc.

And i am the stupid one all this while. It was never out of character for you to do what you did, yet i always saw you as a better person and time and time again believed you weren't really like that. All the time, deluding myself into thinking you would not be selfish without personal gain. Never considering you to be of that nature, and every single time feeling hurt and surprised when you let me down. Every single time. i don't know what i was thinking and maybe i still don't. My heart still believes that you can really be a sincere person. I struggle to accept the cold hard proof that you wouldn't doing anything without personal gain. I'm still struggling with that. I'm still trying to see with everyone else's eyes. 

I really wished that it didn't have to turn out this way, but you chose to assume and.... i'm truly, absolutely tired. Tired. So tired for defending myself with the truth. So tired. 

I wish you all the best. I really hope that one day you will find someone you're willing to be sincere with. And when that day happens, the person you choose will be sincere to you as well. I'm sad that i have to be the one to back down, but, you're not going to move or consider my feelings/emotions/situations. I mean, it's never been part of your list before, why would it be now?

I guess I'll have to do what everyone else has done/asked me to do. I don't like it...but it is what it is.

Didn't plan for my new do for this reason, but i guess it's a start. the reality of the situation makes me shake. 

it is what it is.

I know you'll do fine but i do hope you're sincere with them in the way you never were with me. May you treat them better and never find reason to deliberately hurt them. A real friend would never want to do that.

A real friend would want to see their friends happy, not deliberately make them miserable.

May you not waste your emotions being bitter over someone you truly don't care about... there are better things to do with your emotions than waste it over me.