the urge....

i dare not look at you, touch you, or even think about you.... for if i do, i will want more...and will not stop wanting more....

your comfort ... you, soft against my skin....it wasn't long ago but the memories of you on my skin lingers on my mind....

you're safe where you are for now..... when the time comes, i'll put yu where you belong....

His timing...

when i first found out about the gig, i really wanted to go, but i couldn't explain the unfounded reluctance i felt to purchase the tickets.was it money? no. transport? no. friends? no. i had no idea why. up til the day kor called me, i just couldn't find a reason not to go yet i felt i wasn't supposed to go, or smtg to that effect.

Friday morning the news hit. with every celebration comes a moment of grief. and as the course of the day played out, it was obvious i wouldn't be able to make it to the wake on Friday night. which meant i could only go for Saturday. and then everything started to tumble into place. how could i have known? :( emotionally split between being happy for my bro and the success of the event, and the loss of someone. i guess He knew better :|

so, i'm sorry i couldn't make it to the gig, but there were more urgent things at hand i guess. and the decision to not be able to go wasn't thattttt unfounded as i thought :(

and again today,after everything i was feeling bummed i couldn't hang out anywhere due to circumstances ,eg: transport, situation etc. plus i was tired out from the heat. but, had i gone somewhere and not have been in my car, i would have missed Underheadlights on Hitz Campur Chart. impeccable timing indeed. that definitely brightened and woke me up a bit. i was absolutely excited and slightly pissed because he didn't tell me! but back to the point. everything just happened to tumble into place in the past days.

sometimes, we don't have to question why and mope, sometimes we should just take it all in stride and wait for the bigger picture to reveal itself....

but on a more regretful note, today, in church, a question posed was "do you have regrets?" "wouldn't you like to have a life without regrets?"

many things i do regret, but most recent and irreversible, was not getting to know Edmund better. Why didn't i? was i lazy? was i shy? i merely watched him from afar, mentally complimenting his dedication, his shoes, his style, his shirt.... so many little things i admired but never got around to telling him. And the cliche part will be the knowledge that we always take things and people for granted. always assuming there will be tomorrow, or next week , or next month.things we mean, good things, compliments, praise, acknowledgments... why do we keep them to ourselves? what good will it do us if it's meant for someone else?so what if it's something small? it was still something that impacted yu and left an imprint in one way or another. you will never know how much of a splash a small pebble can make...

and now, he's not physically here anymore. i feel like the dog in the haystack, hogging the mental words that i don't need for myself. i feel now it's more my loss now. i probably had so much to learn about him and from him that i robbed myself of... my loss indeed...

reinforcement of the day : never hold back good things from those who deserve it. you'll regret keeping that jar of peanuts yu're allergic to and never finding out how happy you could make others when you share it.

8 am baby

im tired but addicted... not a good combo...

today i like...

so today, i woke up feeling pretty, even tho i have a constellation of monthly pimples decorating my face, even though my emotions are tumbling back and forth like a the ball bearings in liquid paper that's being shaken, even i find it difficult to trust and say what i mean....with no make up, i like my nose, i like my eyes, i like my lips, i like my cheekbones... today i like my face...

and i think i drank too much water...dizzy dizzy tizzy :(

it bothers

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?

why does it bother me so... i don't get it... i don't get it at all...

what do i really want?

is it really that different?

why...

mama was right....

when things first started, my mother asked me if there was going on..and on paper there wasn't. then she said something that made my heart drop a little. She told me that she would be ohkay with him, but i needed to be prepared if nothing happened. i just laughed it off, insisting we were just friends, but then deep down, i didn't want to believe she would be right. even i didn't want to believe that i was right in saying we were just friends.

but there you have it, mom said it, and as you would have it, she was right.so, i guess it was a good move to never refute what mama says, or i'd have to eat my own words....

you can't miss what you never wanted, you can't lose what you never had....

a word to me and to you...in that order

a good song #2

a good interpretation or expression of a song has the power to drive one to tears with its sincerity